But it’s been a lonely, tough existence too. I haven’t been able to call on my mum for advice, show her pictures of our baby for her to dote over, laugh or cry over things that have happened.
For a while I’ve felt angry, and like I said - envious of what I didn’t have. Like in the newborn days, when I really didn’t know how to settle Enzo, mum would be here with her experience, her warmth and love - to help ease our panic.
And while my early thoughts were in a huge haze of sleep deprivation, emotional turmoil from pregnancy and sheer fear of looking after a tiny newborn… all of these feelings have taught me so much about myself. I’ve felt a shift in power.
It’s not easy being a Mum full stop. But I’ve become a mum after losing my mum and peacefully laying her to rest. And. I’m. Still. Standing.
Although mum isn’t here in the physical sense, to change nappies, burp, feed, cuddle; she created something in me that I’m passing onto Enzo and I’m only just realising.
She created a home so cozy, I always wanted to be there, a table full of food, I always wanted to eat, a house full of fun, we always laughed. And today, along with Ricky I pass this on to Enzo - who laughs, eats and finally sleeps (for now). And I thank you mum. Today and always.