We are Ricky and Leah, two news reporters, passionate about travel, architecture and design, we love sharing our lives through journals, blogs and stories of places we have visited.

Grieving in pregnancy, birth and beyond

Motherhood without my mum

As the new year rolls full steam ahead I’ve been thinking quite a bit about motherhood, in particular becoming a mum without my mum.

And I found my thoughts drifting towards feelings of envy, envious of other mum’s who still have their mums. I suppose in some ways it's healthy to explore a feeling, whether it’s negative or not.

Let me explain...

It’s been 365 plus days being mum to Enzo and I’ve loved every minute of it.

But it’s been a lonely, tough existence too. I haven’t been able to call on my mum for advice, show her pictures of our baby for her to dote over, laugh or cry over things that have happened.

For a while I’ve felt angry, and like I said - envious of what I didn’t have. Like in the newborn days, when I really didn’t know how to settle Enzo, mum would be here with her experience, her warmth and love - to help ease our panic.

And while my early thoughts were in a huge haze of sleep deprivation, emotional turmoil from pregnancy and sheer fear of looking after a tiny newborn… all of these feelings have taught me so much about myself. I’ve felt a shift in power.

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It’s not easy being a Mum full stop. But I’ve become a mum after losing my mum and peacefully laying her to rest. And. I’m. Still. Standing.

Although mum isn’t here in the physical sense, to change nappies, burp, feed, cuddle; she created something in me that I’m passing onto Enzo and I’m only just realising.

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She created a home so cozy, I always wanted to be there, a table full of food, I always wanted to eat, a house full of fun, we always laughed. And today, along with Ricky I pass this on to Enzo - who laughs, eats and finally sleeps (for now). And I thank you mum. Today and always.

It’s not easy being a mum for anyone. But I’ve become a mum after losing my mum and it hasn't killed me.

- Leah

Written by Leah

Hi, I’m Leah. Right now I’m about to head back to work after 15 months on maternity leave. For over a decade I've worked as a TV and radio at the BBC. I love travel, self-help, cooking and poetry. You can find me on Twitter or Instagram.

1 Comments

Join the discussion and tell us your opinion.

  • Rosaleen Brooks

    Great news you have a blessing and addition to your family. You have and will always be in my prayers. So sorry to hear your loss.
    Love from
    Rosaleen (hannahs mother).

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